Here I am at the edge

An amusing story. One of the reasons I keep my  Google blog  is it tells me where my posts are being read. For the most part that is the  USA . However, recently, a new area has jumped into view  "Unknown region,"   this is amusing as it could be anywhere or nowhere. The cover to this book I wrote several years ago is  Lac La Biche ,  Alberta ,  Canada .

One rule for all. I am not making any judgments as I don't know the facts of both cases, this is more a post about how people are treated. Years ago, a female gospel singer admitted she had an extra-marital affair, the affair had only what could be described as a catastrophe for her career as people refused to book her and her church abandoned her.  While, when a well-known televangelist was caught with a prostitute, he turned to his followers and said, "What I do is none of your business." He never suffered a blow to his career, if anything the occurrence helped boost his congregation.

I have changed how I view myself. I have been forced to rethink how I view myself this year, I no longer view myself as a failed writer, but as the avid reader, I was before I started writing eleven years ago. I still write the occasional story, not in the  Science Fiction  genre that I earned my reputation in, but in the genre of  Christian Fiction .

I am not afraid of death, what worries me is having a lingering period before I die.

Free ebooks At a ballpark figure, I have lost around $5.00 a month to FREE EBOOK sites. While that is not a lot, you may think, that is more than I earned from sales for a month since my science fiction series stopped selling in 2014. As usual, the readers win, and writers lose .

New Openings You would think the knowledge that Draft2Digital keeps expanding would be a joy to me as a writer , the reality is the opposite. Though the site keeps expanding by purchasing new sales markets, my ebook sales have shown no growth for years. I look at the situation like this, it is like painting, you dip your brush in to paint, but the further you are from the pot the weaker the color is. Five sales from two stores are good, but the same amount from 15 stores is abysmal, and that is the situation I find myself in.

A Sailor's Love. As I expected, my book "A Sailor's Love"  has been snapped up now it is free on Draft2Digital , what a shame nobody was willing to pay me for working on it for over a year.

I am not going judge the magazine yet. Today, I signed up for a year's subscription to Premier Christianity magazine    https://www.premierchristianity.com/Current-Issue?_ga=2.88607195.1500576315.1537885724-2067686685.1535800788   because I need to find some balance in the chaos my life has turned into over the last two years. The copy I was sent last month was a disappointment, no sooner had I opened the pages than there was an article mentioning the Kardashians if that wasn't bad enough it was followed by pages about Sharon Osbourne , Derren Brown ,  Love Island   and some member of a boy band who claimed to have found God. If I wanted a TV magazine there are plenty of them around, a more unGodly family than the Kardy Klan I find it hard to think of, in the Scriptures, it is written the Lord turned the vendors out of the House of the Lord, is that not what these money grabbing parasites are? Who really thinks that watching Love Island is...

Gospel history. I am pleased to see that one of the DVD's I ordered    https://www.eden.co.uk/shop/songs-in-the-key-of-happy-4460609.html   has arrived. The other one is coming from America as it's not available in the UK. The group has an interesting history as Tanya Goodman is the daughter of Rusty Goodman from the original group, The Happy Goodmans.

Battles with depression. Today, I face the same demon I encountered several years ago. The beast is depression, and he keeps dragging me down with doubt. Several years ago, while writing the Chronicles of Mark Johnson, I hit a dark week and was prepared to kill my hero to appease the darkness in my soul; I got talked out of it by some close friends who were fans of the series, so I wrote a darker Mark for the second book (shown here).  He was still alive, but his soul had been turned into an evil man's soul through betrayal. I face a similar situation tonight, I have several stories ongoing on  Disqus  that I could end in a gruesome manner. At the time of Wharfemere Finale, I sat staring at the blank screen for days as if something was blocking me from writing the end of Mark Johnson, not that it mattered as nobody has read the book since I wrote it.

Take a trip to my flipside. Next month,  October , all my books on  Draft2Digital  will be free.  Why? For one big reason, nobody is helping me believe in my ability as a writer by buying them even at bargain prices. I can't read. That is true, I have many books on my selves but find myself unable to read any because they remind me that somebody had faith in the writer and printed the books. Disqus . I hope to progress to the end of my stories on my channel before I close it, beware the ending are not what you, or I, would expect from me as my mind has taken a vacation and gone to Flipside where morals do not exist.

Big is beautiful. It is only my opinion, but I think ladies with curvy figures are more attractive than the skinny models. Many ladies are like fine wine, they get better with age. Love and romance are not only about making love, but they are also about the moments of tenderness.

Now the Sun comes out.  This is an apt tune for the UK today as high winds and rain lash the country again. ​ I am glad all our furry friends are safe in the house today.

A long day's walk is over. This afternoon, I went to the specialist to have a word about my new boot, the only way I can get there is by walking for an hour each way.  It's over seven hours since I left the health center to return and m legs still ache. I don't expect the pains to go before the end of next week it's hard to imagine that last year I was doing more than this walk twice a week. That shows how badly my legs have weakened in the last few months.

The Christian way. While my life could be viewed as living in a Christian way, I do not profess to have made the decision to live as a Christian; I am a man of peace, if this is the Christian way, then I am a Christian.

A state of calm. One reason I haven't done much writing over the last two years is my life has been anything but calm; with all the appointments and hassles we've had it's been a struggle to get into a quiet frame of mind to enable me to write.  I am hoping things are on the change; otherwise I will need to find a way to push through this barrier.

Let's have a revival. Amazon Kindle ratings. I don't take a lot of notice of my Amazon kindle  rating, but for once there has a been a slight rise. It isn't much, but as I was heading for the lowest rank in a year, I will take some comfort in the climb.

How things have changed. When I started my blog a decade ago I used to write three or four blogs a day, now I find it hard to do two or three.  That is why I said a few days ago that one post would be my last post 

I should push my stories more, but I am loathed to. Why I don't push my books. I have often been asked why don't I push my books more as I am such a good writer? The answer to the question has many reasons. I never set my blogs out to be book blogs, sure I do post about them, I have read many blogs where the writer spends all their time telling you about the book, and I found them to end up being boring. At one time, I did spend a lot of time pushing my books only to find it was doing no good, either to the books or to me as a person.  If a sale is coming, I cannot make it happen.

Carry on writing. Stranger things do happen.   I am not sure if I am doing the correct thing in carrying on with my writing . I have several plotlines running that I could expand on if I thought the readers were interested; that is "the rub," I could write, but would anyone read what I wrote https://www.draft2digital.com/book/ ?

I cannot tell when I came to religion. . I have tried to find a time when I started to believe in  spirituality , but I failed.  I think it began in my early years as I was born near the sea, and have always had an affinity with the seas. I had a resurgence in the late 1970's when I saw  Billy Graham  preach in  Bristol . I later joined the  Royal Air Force  and became almost a counselor to my friends. This lead my Padre and my section Sergeant sent me on a course, at the time I thought it was because I was going through a deep personal crisis, over time I came to consider they could have seen something in me that I failed to see in my despair.  On leaving the RAF, I returned to my parent's house in  Clevedon ,  North Somerset  and started to go church again.  I got on well with the local vicar and his family, though I liked his daughters I never considered asking them out, I knew they were out of my league.  It was d...

I need something to believe in. The way my life is going, down the pan, I need to believe there is a hope things can change if I don't I don't think I'll be able to cope with any more bad news.

Fighting your demons. He sat staring at the blank screen, the only thought going through the writer's mind. It was Neitchze who said:  "if you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back at you." You are not kidding! He'd spent days gazing idly at the blank screen, once he'd had dreams of writing about the worlds he's created, now all he could think was  "Is it worthwhile?" The more he thought about what he could be writing, the harder the task became for him to write. He found his mind was locked in a downward spiral to oblivion; the venue he'd fought to avoid now loomed large in his sight.  For years, he'd tried to convince himself that what others had said about his writing was true. Was he truly a good writer, or were they just being kind to stop him from falling apart? No matter, it didn't help now, even if he was a good writer the drive had gone. Where once dwelled the flames of passion now had turned to an icy cold that no...

A life that can be pleasant at times. People often complain about the standard of writing for TV shows, but how many of you have tried writing a series? I have one series  -    disqus.com/home/channel/indieworld/topics/the-word/  of many on my site ongoing, and I can tell you it's hard going to keep the flow. Of course, they have advantages over me - they have a team of writers who get paid to write, but it makes no difference as a writer because you need to come up with an entertaining story.

Get your e-books from my selection. For e-books at a reasonable price, try my selection -    https://www.alsdominion.co.uk/book-store.html .

I have some free e-books on Draft2Digital. On Draft2Digital , I have several short stories to sample free  -    https://www.alsdominion.co.uk/book-store.html .

Forgestriker sails on. More than four years since I launched my science fiction series, and it is still selling. To date, it has sold over 850 e-books in its five-year life.  This month (July 2019) sees the fifth anniversary of the end of the seven-book series.

What is ahead for me? If the Lord had a plan for me -    https://disqus.com/home/discussion/channel-indieworld/now_is_a_good_time/ , now would be a good time to give me some guidance as I have lost interest in my writing, and I am losing the will to go on. I can think of reasons not to die, but none to live. The difference is a reason to live has to have meaning for me, not just for the family.