Here I am at the edge

 A writer in the Autumn I don't mention my disabilities often because I don't think readers will be interested; there is one disability that affects me more than the rest as we enter Autumn that is the muscle I pulled in my left shoulder over 30 years ago. Most days it is little more than the feeling of a knife grinding on the bone, but there are days when the pain is so bad I cannot move the arm.

I am losing my sight.  Other than a drawn-out death, one of my greatest fears is losing my sight.  This is not because I was a writer until last year. This has been a concern of mine for many years, more because I was an avid reader before I took up writing over a decade ago. The reason I am losing my sight is I cannot afford an eye-test, or new spectacles and the strain on my eyes has caused damage. Last year the Department of Works and Pensions changed my payments from Disabled Living Allowance to Personal Independence Payments , and my payments got cut by £40 a week. PIP is based on how your disability affects your life, not on the extent of your limitations.

I am prepared for more bad news. My condition may not be as severe as I think it is. My  kidney cancer has not caused me any amount of pain over the four years. I believe I have had it. I am prepared to be told that it has spread to my right leg and I may need to lose a part of my right leg as the leg bones have ached for years, and this is a symptom of bone cancer.

No surprise to me. To many people, being told you have cancer comes as a terrible shock, as we fear the "C" word like no other; but to me, it came as no shock to find I had it this week. Why? I have a long list of inherited illnesses from my mother, and I surmised this had a high chance of happening as my late Uncle John, who I mentioned in my story - Lifeboat Heroes - died from cancer at my age (63). We do have a vast difference in lifestyles though, my uncle was a heavy smoker, and I gave up smoking over 20 years ago. The fast-track. It is now more than three months since the cancer was discovered, and I was "fast-tracked" to the Cancer clinic, and still, I await the biopsy. All I can say is I am glad my cancer only grows 0.75 cm a year, or by now, a biopsy would not be needed. I have the date for the biopsy , it will be performed on September 3rd; after that, I will need to stay in the hospital for observation for several hours.  At this rate, I s...