Here I am at the edge

Am I going mad? As a person who never felt loved, until I met my wife, I have suffered from depression for most of my life. The trouble with illnesses like depression is they feed on the insecuroties of failures, and I had many of those, even before my failure as a writer boosted my downfall. No year has been as hard on me as 2024 is; it has been one issue after another to the point I feel like staying in my room to avoid upsetting the family.

There comes a time when one has to concede I don't like to admit that my dream of being a writer is over but what will I do?  This year is the beginning of the ten years it takes to be recognised (so I was told), and all I see is a blank road ahead.  Other than my Science Fiction series, nothing has sold on Barnes & Noble , and Amazon has proved to be worse than useless for my sales.

I'm catching up on TV series I missed in the 70's The Hanged Man : Retro TV Back in the late 1970's, in the days before massive budgets and CGI, films and shows depended on good scripts and acting.  One show that stuck with me was  The Hanged Man.

The Pendulum has swung I waited, then waited, and waited even longer; then realized I had waited for too long for nothing to happen. The irony is what I waited for, in my heart, I knew would never come, but I lived in hope. I had wondered what would have happened had I been offered a genuine contract, knowing that is all it was a theory - if I am honest, I have no idea what would have happened. In 2012, when I won an award , even with the certificate in my hand it took weeks, if not months for me to accept I had earned the award. One thing did happen to me, I became more anxious about my writing , though readers wrote telling me I was getting better with each story; I couldn't help feeling more was expected of me now I had won the award, as the adage says "The higher you climb, the harder the fall." The non-payment of my royalties from Draft2Digital is no longer a mystery to me; the owner of D2D has added Mark Croker, the owner of Smashwords , a site known for not payi...

Festivals Ghosts of Jazz : Many years ago, I had the opportunity to go and see the #Scarborough #jazz festival - but it never happened.  I had everything set up and paid for in advance, then my stepson caused a row, and I lost my opportunity to go. The story is based around the #Cheltenham jazz festivals I used to got to. Like most festivals, it was a one-off, it is almost impossible to get the same musicians together. A year later, pianist Stan Tracey passed away; today, I read that a lady I always wanted to see, Tina May , passed away several years ago - adding to the cast of ghost musicians on the list. Ms. May was about five years younger than me.

Am I a Bestseller? This story about the problems of being immortal is this years bestseller for me, with 2 eBook sales. While two sales may appear small, I would agree, the short story leads a pack of 17 eBooks . According to my friend, Julia, in Seattle - who is an editor - among the Indie writing world this could class me as a bestselling author. Before we get the banners out, this writer earns less than $1 a week from writing . In my view, I am more than a "hack writer," the term hack dates to the 1920's when writers would hack away on their type writersfor a few cents an hour, while the owners of the newspaper would feast at the best table in town,

My days of walking unaided have passed, from here on I need a walking frame. The days of the walker : Travel From today, I won't be using my stick, other than around the house. My #disability has got to the point where I need to use a walker, not my stick .  I am not complaining   I expected this to happen several years ago.

Don't ask me why the series became a bestseller. I have no idea. I'm amazed as anyone, at the continued sales for my #scifi   series. To date (21/10/19), the series has sold over 850  ebooks . All on Barnes & Noble . I did consider writing further stories of the exploits of the men, soon to be women, of the 7th but sales for the series, in general, have been weak with Forgestriker  selling 350 copies.   Book 7 ( Caldera Awakens)

Another Scam on the way? This morning, I was approached by another young lady who wishes to talk to me via Facebook Messenge r; I smell a rat, I will play along, but is she willing to pay my price if she tries to scam me?

Here is a short story that I wrote a few minutes ago The writer and the cosh : Night visions.   The young man lay on the bed in the hospital with his legs in traction. Looking at his legs, he thought back to the night and reflected on the event that had ruined his life.  ...